so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
