dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
