i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
