I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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