Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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