I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
