im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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