I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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