I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
