Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I deserve this hangover.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
