I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
