you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
