I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
