How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
