Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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