someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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