if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Floor bacon is actually really good
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
