I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize