you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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