Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
