She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
