Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
