I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
