We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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