these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
