I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
