i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
