I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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