My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
