omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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