Betty ford says i'm here all night
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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