if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
