Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
