I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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