evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize