does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
