Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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