So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
