you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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