twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Randomize
