dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
