i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
