Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
