Can i not drive my cunt home
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
as a side note pls kill me
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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