You're my little dorito
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
