i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize