i just made my gag reflex go away.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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