Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
