I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
