I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she peed on how many people?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
