omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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