I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the day after is always just damage control
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
