Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
