I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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