On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
