this just has baby written all over it
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
