New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
