our cab driver is having phone sex.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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