You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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