I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
